Confessions of a Self-Sabotager

Today marks the halfway point in my Les Mill's COMBAT journey.  

Today is DAY 30!  

I'm a little excited.

I am not as excited as I was on day five.  I should be WAY more excited than that.... I have ONE month left to finally complete my first fitness program all the way through.  But that is what happens to me EVERY SINGLE TIME.  I have noticed that I am slowly starting to revert back to who I have always been: a quitter and self sabotager.  I am the person that is so gung-ho about a new workout program or new goals and I kick some serious ass in the first half, but then I slowly give up.  I don't quit cold turkey, its more like a snowball rolling downhill...one missed out workout turns into three missed workouts the next week, one cheat meal slowly evolves into a whole week of eating bad.  This continues until my workouts and healthy eating habits are nonexistent.  I have done this with my New Year's resolutions, goals, and with EVERY STINKING fitness program.  I completed half of TurboFire, Chalean Extreme, Brazil Butt Lift, P90X and Slim in 6.

Now that I have admitted my sabotaging addiction, I need to figure out WHY I refuse to complete something that I have started.  This is what I don't understand.  When I was younger I never quit, I always finished what I started, but something changed after high school.  So in thinking about the possible reasons keeping me from completing anything I have come up with a couple hypotheses: 1. I feel like I deserve a break or a reward for kicking butt (hence my skipped workouts and cheat meals), 2. Maybe I am afraid of the results (more on this below), 3. I like the rush and stressfulness of procrastination...all of which totally sabotage any results that I have worked for and bring me right back to square one.

You may be thinking "Christine, why would you be afraid of the results of finishing a fitness program?" I'll start by saying that I am not like this in every aspect of my area, I finish my homework (most of the time) and I finish all my projects and assignments at work.  This self sabotaging only occurs with GOALS and DREAMS!! The reason why I think that I might be afraid of the positive results is that I am content.  I am content in my safe, warm, cozy world where I am always desiring to be thinner, to be debt free and wanting to be significant.  I am not one to take risks.  Accomplishing my goals is risking that I may not be in my comfortable world anymore.  Yes, I know its going to be fantastic- but its still the unknown, its still not my current world.  And that scares the crap out of me.  

Do you get what I am saying???

Probably not.

...I was expecting that.  Here is a poem that perfectly describes how I feel.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

As we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

I have identified my problem, defined possible solutions, now it's time to CHANGE.

Here is my public declaration and promise to you my dear reader: I WILL FINISH COMBAT!  I will most certainly struggle with my inner demons and my old self, but I will NOT let that get in the way of achieving my goals anymore.

Self Sabotage, we have been on this roller coaster relationship for way too long.  I am leaving you forever.  This girl wants and needs a change.  She has too many dreams to be held back by you.

So long.